Internet Tough Guy

I was never into politics back home. Australia uses the weird parliamentary system that I have still yet to understand. As such I never voted. I felt that it was a disservice to those that actually took the time, effort and energy to weigh the issues if I came in and nullified their vote because the opponent's name "makes her sound like she's got big tits".

It's weird, because Australians don't have the right to vote. The 'right' would include the right to abstain, and you can't. Voting is compulsory. Not voting is (or was when I lived there) a fifty dollar fine. In my new home of Massachusetts, they would call that "Wicked Retarded".

When I moved to the US, I generally stayed away from politics. It was a whole new system to try and learn, and I wasn't allowed to vote anyway, so why bother?

(In a small aside, when Barack Obama won the election in 2008, there were many groups aligned to the Tea Party that complained that "this president won't be MY voice, therefore I am a victim of taxation without representation." This drives me completely insane. You got to vote. You participated. Your right to vote doesn't guarantee that your guy wins. I'm a non-citizen. I pay taxes but I'm not allowed to vote. I am the LIVING DEFINITION of taxation without representation. If anyone should be pissed, it's me.)

Anyway, the Bush years happened. Although I don't vote I'm probably one of those Liberals, with the occasional Conservative leaning. I became very interested in political comedy, and this bled into a fascination with pundits. I would listen to the Boston talk radio station, which was all Conservative. I wanted to hear the other side.

Now being good at arguing, I can see the kinds of tricks that many pundits are doing. It's easy to win an argument if you're just shouting into a microphone, and if you have a dump button handy, any dissenting point of view from a caller won't be heard. The biggest trick is the circular-logic argument. "If you oppose my point of view, you're an idiot, and why would I listen to anything an idiot has to say?" It's surprisingly effective.

I also think it's funny that there's a "shut up and sing" backlash against famous people that espouse their political beliefs. The only difference between a singer and a political pundit is that one of them has a performing arts talent. Would putting their views into a song make it somehow okay?

One of my closest friends in the US is a Conservative. We have the most lively political debates. Afterward, we remain friends. This is normal for us. I feel like it should be normal for everybody. I respect and understand that he has a difference of opinion. Not only that, I realise that we NEED people with a difference of opinion in order to check our own. Devil's advocate is almost always a helpful thing, and having two sides to a political debate is a constant devil's advocate.

Reading internet forums, especially those after political news stories, makes me sad. People are angry, mean, insulting, arrogant and downright threatening in a way that simply does not occur in a face-to-face meeting. Not only that, none of these arguments have any hope of succeeding.

As a near-professional in the art of the argument, I will say this: There is no point to arguing unless you have a chance of changing your opponent's mind.

This will never happen if people continue to argue in the way that they do on message boards and forums. People on both sides do it, and it's just a stupid and pointless waste of time.

If you really want people to listen to you, and you insist on remaining online behind a wall of anonymity, here's a few rules to follow. They are not mandatory. It's still your right to act like a jackass online if you still want to.

1. Quit name-calling. All of it. As soon as you type 'Libtard' or 'Rethuglican' your argument goes right out the window. Anything you type after that is just taking up precious internets.

2. If you're posting anonymously, any claim you make about your real life is a waste of time. "I'm a marine." "I own a lawnmower." "I have a black friend." Anything like this that you use to somehow underline your point is going to be construed as an unverifiable fact by anyone you hope to convert.

3. Stop getting religious. Telling atheists that they will spend eternity in a lake of fire is pointless. They don't believe in the lake of fire either. Is this how you hope to convert people? "Oh man, I didn't believe in God, but that lake-of-fire thing? I didn't know about that. I'm in!"

4. Stop getting atheist. Religious people have been hearing all their lives that God's not real. You saying it is hardly going to change anything.

5. Don't bother making threats. Nobody's paying attention, and even if they were, they know you're bluffing.

6. Try seeing someone's point. Make a concession. It feels really, really good.

7. Try respectfully disagreeing. This will often segue into 'agree-to-disagree'. It also feels really, really good.

8. Learn something. A point may be good, even if it's being made rather badly. Why does somebody have an opposing opinion? Investigate. Empathise. You don't have to agree, but you are somewhat obliged to educate yourself.

I know that this won't change much. People are still hoping to make the national team for the Douchebag Olympics. However, I wouldn't have typed all of this if I didn't think I'd convert at least one person.

That would have been pointless.

When Bad Parenting goes Bad

I call my daughter 'chicken'. I used to call her 'little chick' and then she hit a growth spurt, so the name evolved. The fact that she's a flapper when she gets excited only helps.

I taught my daughter to play Magic the Gathering. This is a collectible card game that took off back in 1995. Usually anyone under 13 doesn't really 'get' the strategy and intricacies of the game. Elise got it at 9.

Every Friday night I take Elise to a game store in Providence RI and we play in their small Magic tournament. Elise has to handle enforced social interaction, people messing with her plans, and being stomped my players literally five times her age. It's a great experience for her, and for me. I get to see my little chicken interact in this tiny microcosm of adult nerds, and for the most part she does well.

There's still the problem of the phrase "maybe I shouldn't talk about that" never passing through her brain. Elise will happily chat about any subject, and cheerfully ignore any and all cues that perhaps this isn't a good idea.

One time, against a guy in his 30s, she quotes from a TV show. The joke is funny. Her opponent asks where the quote is from.

"Family Guy" she says. "It's my favourite show!"

Now I get the stare. This is the stare I get from other parents, some of them relatives, that says "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"You let her watch Family Guy?" he says to me.

"Yes. Yes I do." Now at this point I don't feel like I should have to explain myself. I'm her father. I'm allowed to make decisions like that. However, this guy is a friend. I decide to indulge him. "I'm familiar with all of the episodes and I don't let her watch anything too bad." This answer is satisfactory.

Until Elise says: "My Dad downloaded the episode that was banned in America and let me watch it. It was all about abortion."

Sigh.

You see, there was a recent episode of Family Guy that Fox refused to air. They paid for it, but they opted to not show it. The episode aired in every other country, but nt here (since the US is so sickeningly prudish). All this guy heard was that there was a Family Guy episode that dealt with abortion, and I let my little angel watch it. Because I'm an awful father.

What actually happened was this: Elise heard that there was a banned episode, and she begged me to download it. I found the episode online, but instead of simply allowing Elise to view it, I watched it with my wife so we could gauge just how bad this episode was.

Turns out this episode of Family Guy dealt with the subject of abortion with remarkable sensitivity. They introduced a difficult subject, and talked about it like we were all adults. The only controversy here was an overreaction by Fox. As a writer myself, I can say that this was probably the most well-written episode of Family Guy ever, and it's a real disservice to everyone involved that Fox denied these creative people an opportunity to show off their talented writing staff. Boo Fox.

So I allowed Elise to watch it. And she did. As a parent I feel like it's my responsibility to expose her to things that will help her deal with the world. My greatest asset is my sense of humour. It lets me observe, process and understand the world in a way that I can't easily describe. Humour disarms people and diffuses bad situations. There were so many bad things that happened in my life, and if it weren't for comedy I think I'd be rocking back and forth in a padded room somewhere.

Elise is constantly exposed to good, well-written comedy. Shows like Family Guy and South Park repeatedly get a beating in the press. Idiots like the Parent's television Council want to have these shows removed from the airwaves, denying us even the choice of some of the best comedy America can generate. The PTC specifically want to be able to sit their kids down in front of the TV and leave them to it. They don't think parents should be at all responsible for the things their kids are watching. The irony here is that they would be the first to call me a bad parent.

I have always taken an active interest in where my children find their entertainment. If they like a show, I watch the show. If they play a video game, I play it too. Every single thing they do in their leisure time has, at one point or another, been evaluated by me or Karen.

I know that I will have to endure people staring at me, trying to decide whether or not to call child services (or just beat me with a shovel). Friends, relatives and strangers will make judgements without giving me a chance to respond. I'm sure that there are literally dozens of people that have written me off as a bad parent.

I find myself not giving a shit about any of them. There's only one person whose opinion matters, and right now she's dancing around upstairs shouting "Victory is mine!"

PS, A quick word about downloading. I don't usually condone this. There's enough free TV on cable and the internet to keep my interest. Sometimes there's a weird thing that I'm (by some chance or design) denied the opportunity to see. In this case I'll download an episode. If Fox had aired it I would have watched it on Fox, seen their commercials, and purchased the products within. I'm a fair man, after all.