Dear Everybody,
I know I have these annoying little habits. Stim behaviour such as making little noises or patting my belly to a tune in my head. I know you hate it when I overanalyse everything and apply logic and reason when it's inconvenient.
I'm trying to stop. Really.
But you have to meet me halfway.
Here's a short list of things you have to stop right now. As a show of good faith.
STOP SAYING THESE THINGS
"I have to pee really badly!" - NO! You have to pee "WELL". Peeing badly serves no-one and makes for a messy bathroom. You're an adult. Start peeing like one.
"Bless you" - Said after a sneeze. WHAT? Did you seriously just bless me? Do you really go around blessing people? I would expect this kind of behaviour from the Pope, not from my mostly-atheist buddies. Do you think it's polite? How is it polite to consider that one of my bodily functions need to be blessed? If anything, bless my farts. They are most in need of God's intervention.
"I guess" - This is horribly misused and it needs to stop. If I ask you "Will it rain later?" and you respond with "I guess", that's valid. If I ask you "Did it rain today?" don't answer with "I guess". Appropriate answers are: "Yes", "No", and "I don't know". Stop guessing. It's annoying and it makes you look stupid.
"It's unprofessional" - Probably the most misused word in the American English language. If I were to apply for a bank loan while wearing a singlet, gloves, shorts and steel-toe boots, I would likely be called 'unprofessional'. Someone would actually call me this without knowing my profession. Would this really be unprofessional attire for a BRICKLAYER? Unless you're making a clear determination, taking into account the profession involved, stop saying "Unprofessional". It's unprofessional.
"Thank you for not smoking" - said on signs. I don't smoke. I never have. But thanking me for something I haven't yet done is a bit rude don't you think? Just say "no smoking". I can understand that. We live in a world of linear time. Thanking me for something I have yet to do/not do is not too far from paying me millions of dollars for the NBA career I am yet to have.
"We're going to let you go" - I get fired a lot. (No, really?) I've heard this, or variations of it, all my life on two different continents. Just say "You're fired". Why are you trying to spare my feelings? I DON'T WORK THERE ANYMORE. You "let go" people that you have imprisoned. If this phrase is the one you feel most comfortable with, maybe we need to check out your basement.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Amy Winehouse, William Shakespeare, and me.
Art is a tricky thing. The quote I hear most is; "I may not know much about art, but I know what I like", attributed to James Thurber.
Thurber's quote sums up art for pretty much everybody. It's all about what *you* like. Art should convey emotion, and it's not going to convey it to absolutely everybody.
The story The Emperor's New Clothes doesn't deal with art exactly, but the mob mentality behind trends. I always enjoyed that story, because it told me that the truth was far more important than 'fitting in'.
A few years ago, I was treated to my first song by the British singer Amy Winehouse. I had read and heard all kinds of good things about this Amy Winehouse. I was looking forward to seeing (hearing) what all the fuss was about.
The song was "Rehab". I hated it. I really hated it. I thought it sucked.
I actually found myself thinking that maybe the fault was mine. That I just didn't get it. Maybe I'm too dumb to appreciate this fine piece of vocal dexterity. I just don't understand this sweet soul biscuit of a woman and I'm too stupid to fell her pain.
I listened to a few more of her songs.
Nope, Amy Winehouse sucks.
And then it hit me, so does Shakespeare.
All my life I've felt the same thing about Shakespeare that I felt about Amy Winehouse. Maybe I'm just too dumb to get it. The plays just felt clunky and awful. The words, the characters, the plots...all just plain bad.
Of course, it can't be that. I must be wrong. EVERYBODY loves Shakespeare. Who the Hell am I to call him bad? I just don't understand.
I took another look. I read translations, interpretations, and analysis. I read every single piece of objective information I could find (and believe me, it was hard to come by) and I came to the same conclusion that I had in my youth. The only difference being that I was now comfortable with my dislike. Shakespeare is a hack.
Was Shakespeare good in his time? Maybe. That's the beauty of being me. I don't consider how Shakespeare used to be. I'm judging him now. By today's standards.
You remember how dancing used to be 300 years ago? Probably not, but you may have read about it. Boring, slow and decidedly unsexy. Can you imagine how crowds would react if you tried to pull that kind of crap today?
How about journalism? The way news was given to the masses was completely unprofessional when compared with the standards of today.
Courts? Police? Prisons? Hospitals? Completely unacceptable.
So why hold such reverence for plays that are just as old? It doesn't make logical sense. It's just there to make acting students feel inadequate.
Of course, the best actors in the world are trained in the plays of Shakespeare. That actually does make sense. If you can make that drek even remotely entertaining, you deserve to stand among the world's finest thespians.
One of the rebuttals I get from people usually follows the trend of "You're a writer, aren't you being a bit ridiculous claiming to be better than Shakespeare?" My answer to that is: No, not in the slightest. I would very much like to be remembered for my writing in hundreds of years, but I would be equally horrified to learn that my writing was being used and performed with such ridiculous reverence.
By all means, call Shakespeare a visionary for his time. Call him an amazing talent for his time. Claim that he stands with the giants of his time.
But for the love of all that is literary, leave him in his time.
"But Ian" you say, "Amy Winehouse is in *our* time!"
Yeah but she's a talentless whore.
Thurber's quote sums up art for pretty much everybody. It's all about what *you* like. Art should convey emotion, and it's not going to convey it to absolutely everybody.
The story The Emperor's New Clothes doesn't deal with art exactly, but the mob mentality behind trends. I always enjoyed that story, because it told me that the truth was far more important than 'fitting in'.
A few years ago, I was treated to my first song by the British singer Amy Winehouse. I had read and heard all kinds of good things about this Amy Winehouse. I was looking forward to seeing (hearing) what all the fuss was about.
The song was "Rehab". I hated it. I really hated it. I thought it sucked.
I actually found myself thinking that maybe the fault was mine. That I just didn't get it. Maybe I'm too dumb to appreciate this fine piece of vocal dexterity. I just don't understand this sweet soul biscuit of a woman and I'm too stupid to fell her pain.
I listened to a few more of her songs.
Nope, Amy Winehouse sucks.
And then it hit me, so does Shakespeare.
All my life I've felt the same thing about Shakespeare that I felt about Amy Winehouse. Maybe I'm just too dumb to get it. The plays just felt clunky and awful. The words, the characters, the plots...all just plain bad.
Of course, it can't be that. I must be wrong. EVERYBODY loves Shakespeare. Who the Hell am I to call him bad? I just don't understand.
I took another look. I read translations, interpretations, and analysis. I read every single piece of objective information I could find (and believe me, it was hard to come by) and I came to the same conclusion that I had in my youth. The only difference being that I was now comfortable with my dislike. Shakespeare is a hack.
Was Shakespeare good in his time? Maybe. That's the beauty of being me. I don't consider how Shakespeare used to be. I'm judging him now. By today's standards.
You remember how dancing used to be 300 years ago? Probably not, but you may have read about it. Boring, slow and decidedly unsexy. Can you imagine how crowds would react if you tried to pull that kind of crap today?
How about journalism? The way news was given to the masses was completely unprofessional when compared with the standards of today.
Courts? Police? Prisons? Hospitals? Completely unacceptable.
So why hold such reverence for plays that are just as old? It doesn't make logical sense. It's just there to make acting students feel inadequate.
Of course, the best actors in the world are trained in the plays of Shakespeare. That actually does make sense. If you can make that drek even remotely entertaining, you deserve to stand among the world's finest thespians.
One of the rebuttals I get from people usually follows the trend of "You're a writer, aren't you being a bit ridiculous claiming to be better than Shakespeare?" My answer to that is: No, not in the slightest. I would very much like to be remembered for my writing in hundreds of years, but I would be equally horrified to learn that my writing was being used and performed with such ridiculous reverence.
By all means, call Shakespeare a visionary for his time. Call him an amazing talent for his time. Claim that he stands with the giants of his time.
But for the love of all that is literary, leave him in his time.
"But Ian" you say, "Amy Winehouse is in *our* time!"
Yeah but she's a talentless whore.
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