An Open Letter to Everybody: STOP IT!

Dear Everybody,

I know I have these annoying little habits. Stim behaviour such as making little noises or patting my belly to a tune in my head. I know you hate it when I overanalyse everything and apply logic and reason when it's inconvenient.

I'm trying to stop. Really.

But you have to meet me halfway.

Here's a short list of things you have to stop right now. As a show of good faith.

STOP SAYING THESE THINGS

"I have to pee really badly!" - NO! You have to pee "WELL". Peeing badly serves no-one and makes for a messy bathroom. You're an adult. Start peeing like one.

"Bless you" - Said after a sneeze. WHAT? Did you seriously just bless me? Do you really go around blessing people? I would expect this kind of behaviour from the Pope, not from my mostly-atheist buddies. Do you think it's polite? How is it polite to consider that one of my bodily functions need to be blessed? If anything, bless my farts. They are most in need of God's intervention.

"I guess" - This is horribly misused and it needs to stop. If I ask you "Will it rain later?" and you respond with "I guess", that's valid. If I ask you "Did it rain today?" don't answer with "I guess". Appropriate answers are: "Yes", "No", and "I don't know". Stop guessing. It's annoying and it makes you look stupid.

"It's unprofessional" - Probably the most misused word in the American English language. If I were to apply for a bank loan while wearing a singlet, gloves, shorts and steel-toe boots, I would likely be called 'unprofessional'. Someone would actually call me this without knowing my profession. Would this really be unprofessional attire for a BRICKLAYER? Unless you're making a clear determination, taking into account the profession involved, stop saying "Unprofessional". It's unprofessional.

"Thank you for not smoking" - said on signs. I don't smoke. I never have. But thanking me for something I haven't yet done is a bit rude don't you think? Just say "no smoking". I can understand that. We live in a world of linear time. Thanking me for something I have yet to do/not do is not too far from paying me millions of dollars for the NBA career I am yet to have.

"We're going to let you go" - I get fired a lot. (No, really?) I've heard this, or variations of it, all my life on two different continents. Just say "You're fired". Why are you trying to spare my feelings? I DON'T WORK THERE ANYMORE. You "let go" people that you have imprisoned. If this phrase is the one you feel most comfortable with, maybe we need to check out your basement.